bleck....

so i feel really crummy today. it just hasn't been a good day. today would have been jacob's 21st birthday. i really miss him. i miss shooting bottle rockets with him. i miss putting up christmas lights with him. i miss his really funny laugh when he thought something was hilarious, it was so loud and just filled the room. so funny. i can't see big mama's house or the nutty professor without thinking about that laugh. i question it so much especially since i've spent the last few years struggling with anxiety and depression. i don't even feel comfortable saying that cause i can put on a good happy face for everyone around me. i just like to keep it private. but it is true. i wonder so much why him and why not me. but i guess i should think at least he doesn't have to worry with the pains of this world anymore. i don't usually post such personal blogs, but it actually makes me feel better to get it out.