update....

since i left facebook, i thought i'd post an update for anyone who cares. i had a pulmonary function test done today and monday i have an echo cardiogram. hopefully, between the two of those, they can figure out what's wrong with me. i feel better just being on the new inhaler the dr. gave me last thursday. i have actually ate pretty well for almost a week. i've probably ate the same amount of food in 5 days than i did in the 5 weeks before that. so, hopefully, i don't look like i'm dying of some horrible disease, as my mother told me, anymore. i'm still trying to find a home for one kitten if anybody is interested. super sweet, playful, and loving. i wish so much i could keep all of them, but it really would not help my health right now. i feel like a horrible person putting my health before a precious animal, but i gotta start taking better care of myself if i'm even gonna see 30. :)

wow....

i can't believe thanksgiving is this week. time really does go by faster as you get older. i haven't been blogging much. i don't have much to talk about. i'm dealing with this awful issue of bitterness. i'm so bitter about so many things right now. i won't go into detail. it's just something i'm so sick of dealing with. i know deep down God has a plan, but it's so very very hard to continue living in the same situation with no light at the end of the tunnel, i guess is the best way to put it. aw, billy the exterminator... sorry commercial distracted me. i love billy. i love that he hates to kill things. plus they're good ol louisiana folks. can't go wrong with that. i'd be closer to home if i was there... well south louisiana. i'm rambling now, i realize that. you know i used to put a lot of stock in education, but i really don't anymore. my husband has worked so long and hard for his education, and it's unfortunately getting him nowhere. well, if you know me you know that's what's taking its toll on me. as always, five years of taking its toll on me. i'm so tired... mentally, physically, and spiritually...

october, october....

this is usually my favorite month. i love crisp fall weather and halloween. well, this had been a rough one. my previous post explains my best friend's dad's situation. which he is pretty much still in. it's been a roller coaster, and i just can't imagine what they are going through. so continued prayers for them please.

week ago this past friday, we had major kitty emergency. long story short, wound up with an emergency surgery to remove part of a suction cup out of my baby's intestine. he's recovering well thank goodness. he get his staples out this week. poor kitty

and this morning, i start my week off wonderfully. i got rear ending coming into work. just scratched my car up pretty good and i thought nothing else..... well, i get into work and sit down to start my day and my back starts killing me. so according to the doc, my back took most of the jolt and i'm gonna be "stow up" for about three or four days. this will be fun.

poor finney again...

i'm sitting here feeling absolutely awful because i've made my poor precious finney sick again! she's had this awful persistant case of fin rot that just won't go away. used to salt treatments would clear it up but not this time. so i fed her two pellets of medigold to try and start her on an antibiotic treatment. she's had this before with good results. well, not this time. she ate it this morning and i've watched her closely all day. she's getting worse and worse. clamped fins, red streaks, barely moving. this has to be from the medigold, she had none of these symptoms before today. i've been feeding her peas since this started to try and cleanse her system. i feel awful. medigold is supposed to be the best stuff on the market for bacterial infections, now i'm worried i'm gonna lose my sweet girl because of it. say prayers for her please. she's a goldfish, but she's so special to me. :(

bleck....

so i feel really crummy today. it just hasn't been a good day. today would have been jacob's 21st birthday. i really miss him. i miss shooting bottle rockets with him. i miss putting up christmas lights with him. i miss his really funny laugh when he thought something was hilarious, it was so loud and just filled the room. so funny. i can't see big mama's house or the nutty professor without thinking about that laugh. i question it so much especially since i've spent the last few years struggling with anxiety and depression. i don't even feel comfortable saying that cause i can put on a good happy face for everyone around me. i just like to keep it private. but it is true. i wonder so much why him and why not me. but i guess i should think at least he doesn't have to worry with the pains of this world anymore. i don't usually post such personal blogs, but it actually makes me feel better to get it out.

oh, woe is me....

my life is a misery.... name that musical! haha!

my poor laptop is in bad shape. i think i'm going to have to bite the bullet and call our computer guys we use at work to fix it for me. genius me thought i could solve it all with a system restore, but vista apparently, doesn't seem to agree with that for a lot of ppl. i can't even order a recovery disk off hp cause their site is screwy! ugh! at least i don't think i lost anything. it has another hard drive, so hopefully i backed everything up right. i just dread having to pay to get it fixed cause i know it'll be a small fortune :( .